10. Awake at night
We work hard, play hard in Abu Dhabi. That’s how we like it. Wouldn’t it be nice if we could squeeze a “sleep hard” into the mix as well? Perhaps in the middle, or maybe the end. We’re not sure. A solid eight, nine or maybe 12 hours would be quite restorative. As it is, no matter how tired we are, there are usually long periods of the night when we just lie awake with a chattering brain and a head full of questions. What would happen if every toilet in the capital flushed at the same time? I wonder what Wikipedia has to say about the history of tomatoes? Which weighs more – a sports car or a giant shark? Can monkeys whistle? What would be my ideal last meal? How many hours until my alarm goes off?
9. Sleepy in the morning
Of course, after wrestling with dilemmas like those all night, when you actually need to wake up is the exact moment you will discover your inner sloth. Hours before, when you had the idea that was going to have you carried around the office on people’s shoulders and heralded as a genius you had unlimited energy. Now, after a few presses of the snooze button, you’re going to need at least three coffees to even make it as far as your desk.
8. Public sleeping
The nights without sleep leave you prone to the occasional head-nodding drop-off at any time. On the bus, mouth agape, drooling and lolling onto the passenger next to you. At the cinema, oblivious to the explosions and state-of-the-art surround sound speakers blasting all around you. In a spa, during a massage. In the toilet cubicle at work.
7. Afternoon naps
The term “life goals” is used a lot these days. Bandied around to describe aspirational travel plans, dream homes or an ideal relationship status. But don’t we all want nothing more than a global agreement that business will stop between the hours of two and five PM so we can have a cheeky siesta? We can’t be the only ones.
6. Sleep on a sofa
The most disorientating of all the sleeps. You just sat down on the couch to watch a movie and wake hours later confused, somehow still sleepy and under a blanket you definitely didn’t have before. Who put it there? Why is your neck locked in a right angle? Is it worth going back to watch the film you’ve seen the first and last five minutes of? These are the first riddles you need to solve.
5. The powernap
Science seems to support the authenticity of the powernap. A quick, 20-minute burst of sleep to keep you buoyant and fresh. If you are one of the lucky few that can manage it then count yourself blessed. It is more likely that a speedy slumber will leave you just as tired in the short term and in the long run leave you awake at night trying to make a list of every single film you have ever seen.
4. Early night
Yeah, good luck with that. No matter how good your intentions when trying to get an early night, they’re going to unravel the moment you think it is a good idea to have a quick look at your phone while lying in bed. Cut to three hours later and you will be still be scrolling through sneezing animal videos and reading birthday messages in the timeline of schoolfriends you have not seen for 20 years and never will again.
3. Jetlag
After two whole weeks of complete relaxation and long sleeps there is nothing like a spot of jetlag to get you back into a bleary-eyed trance the first day you are back at work again.
2. The snorer
The worst type of show-off is a snorer. With their loud braying honks they’re basically saying: “Look at me sleeping so hard I can do impressions of angry farmyard animals and still not wake up, while you can’t even sleep at all.” Prod them in the ribs until they desist from that cacophony.
1. New-sheet sleep
Sometimes a sleep comes along that is so refreshing, comforting, smooth and restorative that it can make you forgive your bed for all the unsettled nights. That sleep nearly always comes on new-sheet day. When laundry is pressed, pillows are plumped and bedcovers don’t scratch your skin. New-sheet day is the closest you can get to a holiday without leaving the comfort of your own bed.
Will Milner is a regular contributozzzzzzzzzzzzzzz…
