Essence of Time
As long as you’re comfortable wearing nothing but a pair of vanity pants while in the company of a stranger, there can be few better ways to while away the solitary hours. Arrive 30 minutes early and make use of the super-luxuriant facilities before a Nepalese maiden bathes your feet in coconut milk, escorts you to the edge of your deep, rose petal bath and covers you in antioxidants. Soak for 10 minutes and then prostrate yourself – still wearing nothing but stretchy blue undies – on a cushioned table. So begins two hours of blissful, top-to-toe massage, complete with – ahem – a facial. Once you’ve recovered from that, put on your clothes (you’ll be arrested if you don’t) and stroll back into the world, your stubbly head held high.
Best for: Time-rich naturists with money to burn
Most manly moment: Not squealing like a trapped boy when she sets about your blackheads
Chi, Shangri-La Hotel (02 509 8900. Dhs950 for two-and-a-half hours. Open daily 10am-10pm.
Men’s purifying facial and back massage
Yas Island may seem like a stressfully long journey to undertake in the name of stress relief, but there’s a masseuse out there with hands as soft as butter. The Radisson Blu’s spa rooms may not have the refined sense of luxury that Chi enjoys – the massage bed is hydraulically manipulated, which is kinda cool – but Manu, the friendly Fijian woman into whose hands you place your tattered husk of a body, summons up lapping, tropical shallows in the touch of her fingers. After a deeply soothing back massage, Manu begins an initially relaxing facial treatment. Inevitably, it all ends in blackhead extraction and barely suppressed yelps of pain but, with those hands, you’ll forgive her almost anything.
Best for: Desert island castaways
Most manly moment: We were drawn to the hydraulic gadgetry like magpies to silver
The Spa, Radisson Blu Yas Island (02 656 2494). 90 mins, Dhs420. Open daily 9am-9pm.
Man Massage
Man/Age does the impossible by taking you out of the riotous mall world and plunging you instantly into a faux-Far Eastern tranquillity; a welcome respite from the rabid screams of junk food kids and discount-driven shoppers. There are no women here, it should be pointed out – whether you’re disconcerted by that depends entirely on your disposition – and the ‘Man Massage’ is performed by a muscular gentleman called Larry. He stands astride your prone being like a shrunken Colossus, pounding your muscles and driving out knots as though he were exorcising devilry from a weak-willed spirit. It’s not without pain (we suspect he may have been trying to perform a Lumbar puncture with his bare fingers at one point), but, overall, this was the most refreshing massage we’ve had in ages.
Best for: Those that thrive on the fine line between pain and bliss
Most manly moment: The designer shave that came afterwards. Mr T, eat your heart out
Man/Age, Marina Mall (02 681 8837).
Deep Tissue Massage and Moroccan Bath
The Lounge sells itself as an ‘Executive Grooming’ salon, which explains why the ‘VIP room’ boasts a synthetic crocodile-skin barber’s chair. In spite of the reptile-themed furniture, we were pleasantly surprised by the competent and careful haircut we received – not bad for Dhs100. A range of massages are on offer, from full-body to deep-tissue, but having a sad-faced man oil your chest to a soundtrack of Kenny G is hardly a recipe for relaxation. Happily, more can be said of the Moroccan baths. Here, you soak up the steam for 10 minutes before being oiled up and washed down by a man who occasionally straddles your slippery, naked body to jam a knee into your back. Once you banish scenes of prison drama Oz from your mind, the whole experience is actually quite therapeutic, and fairly friendly on the pocket.
Best for: An affordable, ‘character-building’ spa experience
Most manly moment: Holding your nerve when a man, wearing nothing but a smile and swimming trunks, enters the steam room with an armful of lotion
The Lounge, Al Khajeel al Arabi Street (02 6677 7377). Dhs100 for a haircut and shave; Dhs240 for a deep tissue massage; Dhs 160 for a Moroccan bath.
Ayu comfortable?
Ayu is a masseuse at Beach Rotana’s Zen spa. We asked her how to avoid the inevitable embarrassment that comes with the first-time spa treatment.
Is it okay to talk during a massage?
It depends on the conversation! As a therapist, I’d prefer you to relax.
And so how do you deal with a talkative client?
I answer less!
How do you deal with a client who is embarrassed by the disposable underwear?
I’ll try and explain that it’s something that helps us easily do our job. But if he’s too shy, I’ll give him privacy and cover him with towels.
Is it okay to sleep during a massage?
Of course! Its best because your muscles relax and we stimulate them, so you’ll feel more relaxed. But something funny always happens when we massage a couple together: the husband always falls asleep and snores, and the wife always gets really angry. That always happens.
What’s the strangest thing that’s happened to you while you’ve been massaging?
When we do the front massage, we usually use an eye pillow. But some of the guests don’t like the dark, so they just stare at your eyes, whatever you’re doing. That’s quite strange…
What personal habits do you dislike in clients?
When they ask personal details, and when they talk about dirty stuff. It doesn’t happen a lot, but sometimes… I just explain that it’s not professional conversation and ask them not to.
What makes a good client?
Basically, one that gives a good tip!
A treatment with Ayu can be booked at Zen Spa, Beach Rotana, on 02 697 9333.
