What are the best steps for letting your children know you have decided to divorce?
Firstly, you need to respect children’s mentality. When you talk to them, don’t lie as they live in the same house and notice the struggles.
Stress on the problem of lack of understanding, communication and tolerance. Do not make each other look bad. The message needs to be that you are both good, but cannot continue together due to a difficulty in understanding each other.
Emphasise the fact that there will always be mutual respect. Help them understand that, as a parent, you will both do your best to take care of them. Let your children know that you will not to let the divorce affect them.
If there are plans for a second marriage, it is best not to bring this up during the divorce phase, unless the children already know. They need to see that, although you may start a new life, your child will always be your priority.
How do the steps differ based on the age of the child?
The way you speak and the knowledge you share differ significantly depending on the age of the child. With younger children, we use simpler language and small sentences. We can also avoid oversharing as they are too young to understand and tolerate.
With teens, it is important to be honest so as not to lose their trust. One simple lie could lead them to disbelieve everything else you say.
How honest is too honest?
Honesty is the key to gain the trust of your children, especially with the older ones. They will see that you consider them to be reliable and responsible. Honesty makes them feel safe and trusting. Any simple sign of dishonesty can make your child feel scared, stressed, anxious and unsafe.
How can parents minimise anxious reactions in their children?
By simply being there for them through both words and actions. Always deliver the message that although you are getting divorced, nothing will change for them. Remind them they will share the same activities and responsibilities.
Help them realise that you will be there for them in their struggles, and will remain as a backbone to their life at all times. Irrespective of the relation with your partner, never badmouth your spouse to your child under any circumstance. It can make them lose respect for you and lead to emotional instability.
What negative behaviours or reactions should parents look out for in children during a divorce, and how can they address them?
• Regression in children younger than four years can be seen as temper tantrums, episodes of aggression, and bed wetting.
• Separation anxiety is common when the parent that the child is more attached to has left for long hours. He/she may start to feel anxious and stressed, have attacks of crying and anger, go into isolation and behave withdrawn, refuse to eat, and experience
poor sleep.
• In older kids, they may get more attached to their friends or sometimes look for replacement figures. This can be dangerous as the person could have a bad influence on your child or, worse, maybe even end up in a form of abuse.
• The main negative consequence of divorce is feeling unsafe. The child’s world has just collapsed, and this could lead to a state of feeling depressed, hopeless and helpless.
What is the best practice for sharing custody across two homes, once parents have separated?
• Assure children that they can still do things with both parents together.
• Talk about the living plan openly, allowing your child to share in the decision-making process.
• Any change in the plan should be discussed well in advance. In situations where sudden changes have had to be made, the parent should sit with the child and explain why this has happened.
• Highlight the positives. Make them see things in a positive light.
• Talk about your ex-spouse in a respectful way.
• Respect the child’s decision to stay with a parent for more days or for holidays. Explain that you love and will miss him/her, but
you will agree as all you care for is your child’s happiness.
What are the worst things parents can do?
Blaming each other for the divorce is a big mistake. A child builds their personality by learning from their parents. Speaking ill of a parent can make the child lose trust and respect, and will be stuck in a loop of conflicting love and hate, ending in emotional instability, mood swings, attachment issues, and even borderline personality disorder.
In the case of parents splitting up to live in different countries, how can they make sure the kids feel secure despite the geographical distance between one parent and their children?
With modern ways of communication like video chats, things have become much easier. The parent that will be living away will need to communicate daily with the children, talking about their day and ensuring they are not facing any problems.
There must be physical meetings planned at least twice a year up to once a month, depending on financial or work conditions. Make sure to explain why you cannot meet regularly and always remind them that despite the borders you are there for them.
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