Having self-esteem and gaining confidence is one of the most important characteristics of healthy child development. In fact, a child’s social and emotional health plays a crucial role in how they handle setbacks, deal with peer pressure and face various other challenges throughout life.
Having positive self-esteem is also a protective factor for good mental health. Cultivating confidence contributes to positive social behavior and works as a buffer when your child is impacted by negative situations. But what if your child is lacking in self-belief, and how can you tell?
“Children with low self-esteem will show insecurity, will not enjoy some social situations, find it harder time to establish friendships, may feel lonely, show more jealousy, compare themselves more with others and be shy. They may have a strong emotional response to their own mistakes or failure and avoid trying new things and feel unsettled with changes,” says Maša Karleuša Valkanou, a systemic family psychotherapist at Thrive Wellbeing Centre.
Valkanou explains that self-esteem is established early in a child’s life by systemic tendencies that influence the development, although random events may cause temporary drop in confidence. But is it low self-esteem something that children may grow out of?
“Unfortunately, there is no reason to expect that a child will grow out of low self-esteem if we don’t change child’s internal reality. The exception is a temporary and expected sharp decline of self-esteem that happens to every teenager. Adolescents show no confidence or have false confidence during their development, but their self-esteem will come back to their usual levels when they reach maturity,” she says.
And as they grow and develop, it’s parents and caregivers that need to nurture their children and build the necessary confidence in order to prepare them for adult life.
“The early mother-child relationship is deeply installed as a basic application that will set the patterns of all future relationships,” she says.
“To understand the first pathway we have to begin from understanding that baby is not able to survive without a caregiver. For evolutional reasons, baby and a primal caregiver are an inseparable unity in the first year of a baby’s life. A baby shows great anxiety when separated from a primal caregiver, as it fears it won’t survive without them. In first phase of life, a baby is not building a sense of self-esteem, but establishing a very important sense of security and trust. These feelings will however be the basis of their future self-esteem. If the parent is warm, caring, present and able to understand and satisfy baby’s needs, baby will feel secure and will develop trust. This is the first step where future self-esteem could be damaged.”
But Valkanou explains that throughout a child’s life there are other stages at which self-esteem issues can develop. For example, it could be down to a loving parent who is anxious and finds it hard to separate from their child leading to their child picking up on their anxieties or from a parent inflating child’s self-esteem by over-praising them for doing average things meaning the child then gets shocked for not being treated the same in their peer group.
“It is very important that a child has a healthy sense of their capabilities and to not be addicted to praise. So the parent must support, praise and enhance development, but in a realistic way,” says Valkanou.
The good news is, that even though confidence issues can occur from a young age, there is help out there.
Maša Karleuša Valkanou
Valkanou encourages parents to read and learn about current recommended parenting styles and also strongly advises that, if the child is showing serious signs of low self-esteem (like showing separation or social anxiety, having no tolerance towards mistakes and rejects to engage in new activities), she recommended that a child engages in psychotherapy.
“Psychotherapy is an excellent opportunity for every child’s development, and for a child from these issues is crucial,” Valkanou concludes.
Five children’s books to help them be more confident
Top reads to help kids build their self-esteem and celebrate individuality
The Lion Inside
Written by Rachel Bright and illustrated By Jim Field
Where Oliver Fits
Written and illustrated by Cale Atkinson
I Like Myself!
Written by Karen Beaumont and illustrated by David Catrow
I’m Gonna Like Me
Written by Jamie Lee Curtis and illustrated By Laura Cornell
A Bad Case of Stripes
Written and illustrated by David Shannon
