Chest waxing
For… Masochistic, wannabe bronzed beach gods.
What to expect: ‘Will this hurt, Panjama?’ ‘Yes it will, sir.’ And with that, an agony surely only the equivalent to childbirth begins. It’s a short, sharp pain, but repeated a hundred times so there is little respite. The only response is to laugh; you can always claim they’re tears of joy afterwards.
The result: The therapist talcs and moisturises along the way, dabbing up specks of blood as she goes, but you are going to be sore afterwards (not to mention pink and blotchy). You may also get something similar to a razor rash, but a good shaving lotion should sort that out in a couple of days, although you must stay out of the sun while it’s still red.
Is it worth it? Shaving is far easier, and you’ll only stay smooth for about a week, at which point the very itchy regrowth starts. While becoming a man-Chihuahua isn’t fun, we now respect women all the more – they do this stuff all the time.
Hiltonia Beach Club, Corniche (02 692 4336). Dhs125 for 30mins.
Aromatherapy massage
For… A lunchtime treat.
What to expect: Getting greased up, sleepy and rubbed by strangers is all part of the ritual of becoming a modern man. Get used to it.
The result: You will be a bit oily afterwards, so don’t wear your best shirt unless you’re going to shower. Smelling a bit like an old lady’s purse (the perils of lavender oil) is a small price to pay as Panjama works up and down our back, arms, neck and legs, banishing aches and worries to a faraway place.
Is it worth it? It isn’t cheap, but for sheer indulgence we consider this a long-lunch must.
Hiltonia Beach Club, Corniche (02 692 4336). Dhs330 for 60mins; Dhs400 for 90mins.
Wet shave and a haircut
For… Dapper Dans after a quick grooming fix.
What to expect: Mustafa, the gentleman genius who works the tools, looks like the kind of man your partner wishes you would shape yourself into. He’s an intimidating sight, but this negates the torture of describing what he should do with your hair. Instead, you can just point up at his reflection and say, ‘I want to look like you, please’.
The result: With a flash of the eyes, Mustafa promises his customer a ‘fresh head’ and then works his magic quickly and (here’s the key) silently – just the way we men like it.
Is it worth it? In a word, yes. Time Out Abu Dhabi had a fresh head indeed.
The Lounge, Al Bateen (02 667 7377). Haircut Dhs70, shave Dhs50.
Man manicure and pedicure
For… Shaking lots of hands while wearing sandals.
What to expect: No man ought to know what a manicure or pedicure involves – next thing you know, you’ll be admitting to ownership of Kenny G’s back-catalogue.
The result: Having clipped, cleaned and trimmed our cuticles, the therapist then moved on to rubbing the knackered skin off our feet with a pumice stone. Meanwhile, we wrestle with the TV remote control, unsure what else to do with our spare hand.
Is it worth it? It must be said that, while The Lounge is indeed a classy man-stable, this experience is long and tedious (though these fingers do look awful dainty).
The Lounge, Al Bateen (02 667 7377). Dhs150 for mani and pedi.
Deep-tissue muscle massage
For… Sorting out those troublesome post-workout aches.
What to expect: Having donned the skimpiest throwaway spa pants ever made, our masseur mutters something along the lines of ‘No pain, no gain’ and gets to work pummeling our pasty body like a chef tenderising a particularly stubborn beef fillet.
The result: We wimped out and went for medium strength (‘firm but relaxing’); anything stronger and our previously inaudible screams would have shaken the gold leaf off the ceiling. We can’t argue with the results, though: after an hour of vigorous beating, we felt reborn.
Is it worth it? ‘Stick a fork in me, I’m done.’
Anantara Spa, Emirates Palace (02 690 7978). Dhs650 for 60mins.
Laser hair removal
For… Dark-haired gents sick of shaving and waxing.
What to expect: Laser hair removal is permanent, but not guaranteed to work on everyone. Light-coloured (blonde, red and white) hair cannot be ‘seen’ by the laser and, depending upon the area being treated, you may need anywhere between three to five treatments. You should also shave beforehand, otherwise you’ll be treated to a rather hasty dry-shave.
The result: We chose the bottom part of our neck for lasering and, having put gel on the area, the therapist manipulates what looks like a big, white supermarket pricing gun over it. It stings, but it isn’t unbearable. It’s rather like having lots of tiny electric bees tap-dancing across your throat, while the odour of burned hair clings to you nostrils like a drowning sailor.
Is it worth it? The treatment costs a lot and offers uncertain results depending upon the individual. It just depends on how much you hate waxing/shaving.
Silkor, Khalidaya, next to BMW showroom (02 681 6070). Dhs800 per session for neck area.
Eye cool
For… When those late nights begin to show
What to expect: Some 45 minutes of soothing sensory deprivation, plus a quick facial and a few words of warning regarding not applying eye cream at night and the perils of squinting at the sunshine.
The result: Note of caution: it takes 20 minutes for the eye pads and creams to do their magic, so bring your iPod – anything to block out the sound of Celine Dion. Afterwards, however, only our mothers could stare into our eyes and declare that we were not still 21.
Is it worth it? Quick, peaceful and lacking in fuss. Why not?
Silkor, Khalidaya, next to BMW showroom (02 681 6070). Dhs800 for 45mins.
Biodroga executive facial
For… Slow afternoons when there’s nothing on the box.
What to expect: A Nepalese maiden with the power of a Teutonic brute rubs at your chest, shoulders and face as though she intends to dislodge them from their moorings. Sharp neck jerks and intense scalp scratching are like a pleasant massage compared with the 15 minutes she spends popping your whiteheads. She’s very good at it, though.
The result: A confusing experience in which you’re left with an alert face and a drowsy body. We recommend having a shave before you arrive, otherwise you’ll spend your afternoon doing some executive scratching.
Is it worth it? If you’ve time and money to spare, and fancy having your face slapped about by a stranger, we say go for it.
Chi Spa, Shangri-La Hotel, Between the Bridges (02 509 8888). Dhs650 for 90 minutes.
Kaya advanced facial
For… As intense a facial as you’re likely to find in the capital.
What to expect: The Kaya facial is more about results than relaxation. It begins with a dose of microdermabrasion, which feels rather like having your face lightly sandpapered. This is followed by a facial massage and a rather brutal blackhead scraping before the mask goes on. No wonder they advise that you don’t do this more than once a month.
The result: We looked a bit blotchy afterwards, but nothing too drastic. However, you are advised to moisturise frequently, not to wash in warm water for the next 12 hours and to stay out of the sun afterwards.
Is it worth it? It’s not fun, but it gets the job done. You only have to see the delight in the therapist’s face as he shows you what he scraped out of your face to see the results.
Kaya Skin Clinic, near Khalifa Hospital, Al Karamah Street (02 445 9923). Dhs350 for 60mins.
Gentleman’s Escape
For… The discerning gent who wants it all.
What to expect: Three-and-a-half hours make this a daunting prospect, even for the most pampered gentleman. Prepare yourself for a salty scrub, an intense massage and a prolonged facial. It’s an endurance test like none you’ve undergone before.
The result: Bliss, sheer bliss. Wearing vanity pants in the presence of a young woman may leave lifelong mental scarring, but the princely treatment that follows goes a long way towards easing your anxieties. The scrub will leave you silky smooth and the massage is otherworldly. The only question: do you really deserve it?
Is it worth it? It’s costly, but you only live once.
Eden Spa, Le Méridien Hotel, Tourist Club Area (02 644 6666). Dhs890 for three and a half hours.
