Butterflies in the tummy, tears before bedtime, anxiety can manifest itself in many ways ahead of a new term. With new friends to make, new teachers to meet and a routine to get back into, back-to-school time means loads of changes – and that can affect both kids and parents.
Seeing the signs
“Signs of anxiety include but are not limited to tantrums, restlessness, insomnia or other sleep disturbances (difficulty falling asleep, difficulty staying asleep or frequently waking up during the night, etc.), irritability, aggressiveness, difficulty to be soothed and others. Each child will express his/her anxiety differently,” says Dr Vassiliki Simoglou, Counseling Psychologist at Thrive Wellbeing Center.
“When trying to manage anxiety in children, it is important, first of all, to be able to recognise which of the above behaviours are signs of anxiety. Secondly, it is necessary to identify what might be triggering them. Once triggers are identified, then they can either be avoided as much as possible, and if not possible, they can be anticipated.”
Meanwhile Sneha John, Clinical Child & Adolescent Psychologist, Camali Clinic Child & Adult Mental Health says that sleep-related fear is a common response to stressful or traumatic experiences.
She adds: “Academic and social pressures, especially the need to fit in, are major causes of stress for kids. While extra-curricular activities can be a useful outlet, over-scheduling adds to anxiety. Some children, when under stress, react with physical aggression or verbal aggression. They also tend to have difficulty completing tasks that require patience.”
And be on the look out for changes in mood.
“Having temper tantrums, running away, or constantly being disobedient are ways to alert adults that there is a problem,” she adds. “Changes in behaviour such as being withdrawn, spending excessive time in the room and on gadgets also indicate that the child may be finding certain areas difficult. When a child is under pressure, restlessness interrupts sleeping habits.”
A sudden change in eating habits – less or more – is another sign of stress, too.
Find a solution
Dr Simoglou says that by anticipating the anxiety response in their child, parents can comfort their child
“For example, you can say: ‘I can see that this loud noise (or whatever the trigger is) is making you feel anxious /distressed / upset (adequately name the feeling). I am here for you and we will get through this together. Remember how we learned to breathe and fill our tummies with a lot of air? Let’s try it now.’”.
Trying breathing activities with your child can help, as can exercises like colouring, cooking or clay modelling.
“Parents can introduce these techniques to their children and practise them together along with them, until the child is old or mature enough to resort to them on his/her own,” says Dr Simoglou.
When to take it further
If anxiety is not getting under control, it is recommended that the parents seek counselling for their child. Typically the first visit takes place with the parents alone (without the child), and depending on the mental health professional’s assessment, the child can also be involved, either in the context of family therapy or individual therapy.
Routine is key
Meanwhile a routine is essential (see page 4 for more on that), and there are loads of ways to implement that ahead of the first school bell ringing.
“A good routine is one that works for both the parent’s schedule and the children’s needs,” says Simoglou. “A good balance between time for play (alone and with the parents) and time for childcare, is key when creating a routine, and consistency is paramount in implementing it.”
John adds: “Routines help families organise themselves to get things done and ensure structure. Routines let children know what is important to your family. They help strengthen shared beliefs and values as well as foster a sense of belonging. Routines help children feel safe, secure and taken care of.”
Routines start in the morning, and John says that children should be given clear expectations about the day and a visual schedule in an accessible place.
“Children should be provided simple, well-defined and easy steps to follow the day’s schedule,” she says. “Having an easy-to-reference schedule, with pictures, can engage your child and provide a wonderful visual guide for what they need to do next.”
Positive support
Another transition that can be rough after a summer break is homework, says John.
“Completing homework as soon as school is over with continuous parental support can help children stay motivated throughout the school year,” she says.
“Some children have active schedules, with team sports, music classes, or after-school clubs, which can make engaging in homework more difficult. Letting your child know that you understand the hard work they are putting in and being ready with frequent positive feedback for effort can help motivate them to get homework done.”
Getting more sleep
Sleep is vital, but bedtime is one of the hardest transitions.
“As with the morning routine, having a night-time schedule can assist in creating a structure for your child,” says John. “The night-time routine would need 45 minutes of prep, which includes switching off from TV and gadgets, showering, getting changed into pyjamas, brushing teeth, quiet play time, story time and sleeping on their own beds.”
Bedtime should be consistent throughout weekdays with slight alterations during the weekend. Sticking to a set bedtime during the holidays would make the back to school transition easier, but making that happen is hard.
Top tips for supporting an anxious child
Empathise, rather than reassure
Your child is worried about something. You, in your infinite knowledge of The World, know it’s going to be fine, so you tell them they’ve nothing to worry about. So why are they still worrying? Because the chemicals kicking off in their brain won’t let the words sink in. So instead of trying to palm them off with gentle reassurance, stop and take a few minutes. Do a few deep breaths together, let your child explain what’s worrying them, and then let them know that you understand their fear. Once you’re both calm, talk together about possible solutions.
Let them know that worrying is actually good
There’s nothing wrong with them for feeling this way – let them know that. Explain what fear and worry are, and why it can make them feel so strange. Teach them that it is a protection tool, something that began hundreds of thousands of years ago, to protect people when they were out hunting for food, the chemical feeling of fear allowed them to avoid attacks from predators.
Help your child become a detective
A thought detective, that is. (Deerstalker entirely optional.) Simple techniques for working through the thinking process that generates worry can actually help eliminate it. First of all, catch the thoughts. Today’s thought might be ‘I’m not clever enough’. Let’s catch that in our butterfly net. Next, we’ll try and collect evidence that will either confirm or deny this thought, remembering that feelings are not facts. Evidence in support of this might be, ‘I failed my last math’s test’. Evidence to the contrary, ‘I got an A in English’. Teach your child to debate with their worry.
Turn What Ifs into What Is
Don’t let them get drawn into a cycle of ‘what if I fail maths again?’ or ‘what if nobody will sit with me at lunch?’. Focus on the present. Bring them back into the right here, right now. This is a technique known as mindfulness – and is as useful to you as it is your kids (parents are just as guilty of What Ifs…). A good place to start with this is by simply focusing on breathing in, and breathing out, for a
few minutes.
Don’t avoid everything that provokes anxiety
As a parent, your instinct is naturally to avoid putting your child in a situation that makes them worried or nervous. But avoidance only increases anxiety in the long run. So start by breaking things down into small steps, for example, if your child is afraid of dogs, and won’t go to their friend’s house because they have pets. Create small goals leading to the big goal. Go to the front door. Go into the sitting room. The dogs are kept out in the garden – go to the window to watch them. Let one dog in to be stroked. Stroke the dog. Repeat each step until it becomes easy.
Practise mindfulness
Key Stage One teacher Ashely Green at JESS Jumeirah shares some ways to practise mindfulness with your children outside of school.
On the website, mindfulteachinguae.com, there is a student section where there are guided meditations in English and Arabic that they can click on and follow.
Download the Calm app, it’s free.
First learn about it yourselves as parents. Be properly educated about it yourselves so that kids have the correct information…
… And practise it yourself because if you experience it then that’s the perfect way to introduce it to your kids.
Give mindful eating a go at dinner. Focus on your food: the taste, the sight, the feel and the sound.
Practise mindful moments while brushing your teeth or eating breakfast. It’s a lovely start to the morning.
Get little ones to lie flat on their backs and put a teddy on their tummies. They can focus on and have awareness of their breathing as they watch the teddy rise up and down.
With older kids, have a conversation about how they feel after a guided meditation session. Ask them what the noticed and get them to describe how they feel.
Take your shoes off, walk around slowly with purpose and feel the grass under your feet. Or tell them to do some movement with their fingers and ask them to tell you what it feels like. It really helps their concentration.
