Okay, so call me strange but I’m not very happy with waiters unfolding napkins onto my lap. Besides the mildly irritating feeling of something patting you down, I’m not entirely sure what to do with the thing?
We’re not entirely sure what your question is, but thanks for asking!
We’ll assume that you wanted to vent, and are trying to tap into our vast knowledge of eateries and etiquette to fathom what you’re supposed to do with your napkin; the answer in a word: nothing. No seriously, we’re not very happy with the napkin situation ourselves, but extensive research into culture, cutlery and the minds of restaurateurs everywhere (*cough* Google *cough*) has shed light on some of the mystery, and we’ll happily share that with you.
The napkin’s main function in life is to protect your lap, and in order for it to do so it needs your dedicated assistance. Firstly, as soon as you’re seated unfold the napkin and place it in your lap. In some places the waiting staff may do that for you, but it’s okay if you pre-emptively do it yourself, they won’t mind. You may be tempted to do things with the napkin like clean your cutlery or wipe your mouth, but we have it on good authority that these are forbidden, so don’t do them unless you want to look like a slob. Just do as we do, and wipe with the tablecloth, or your dinner partner’s sleeve.
The napkin must then stay on your lap until the end of the meal, and the only exception to this rule is when you desperately need to go to the bathroom. Try not to, but if you must then your napkin needs to be folded loosely and placed on either side of your plate. Not on your plate, not on your chair, and don’t fold it tightly – do any of these things and your napkin will no longer like you, and you’ll be kicked out of the napkin club. At the end of the meal you can just leave it on the table, but it has to be semi-folded.
We’ve also discovered that napkins can be used to send coded messages. No seriously. This is like the time we found out that a crossed knife and fork on your plate signalled the waiting staff to clear your dish (we lost out on some good fettuccini that day). When the host unfolds their napkin it signals the start of the meal, and you should follow suit. When a host removes their napkin then it’s the end of the meal, and you should pack it up. If the host is folding it up just to head to the bathroom then you should either follow them and wait encouragingly at the door, or just stop eating until they’re back. No, ignore that last bit; we’re making that up.
Good luck with your dining.
