I might be on a diet. I might not be. But one thing is for sure: either way, you’ll never know about it. Because when a muffin top starts gently rising out over the top of my waistband, or I can’t zip up the dresses I used to be able to, I keep that fact a more closely guarded secret than – well, that would be telling. It’s partly simple logic. I’d rather no one noticed, so I won’t be pointing it out. But mostly it’s because when friends fill me in on the minutiae of their weight loss, in all honestly, I completely lose the will to live.
Most of us could do with shedding a few pounds, or at least toning up a bit – but it doesn’t have to be a big deal. Just do it, or don’t. Whatever. But when someone announces those five dreaded words, ‘I’m going on a diet’ it instantly opens the door to a political minefield.
Firstly, you’re now forced to pretend to assess their size – but make no mistake, there is only one conclusion available to you: ‘Oh gosh but you’re SO UNBELIEVABLY THIN why would you even consider dieting?’ It doesn’t matter if your buddy is as slender as a willow, or has got so fat she needs a lifeguard for her cereal bowl, you still have to say it, even if nothing in the world could sound more hollow or more insincere. Stray even slightly off the script and you’ll find yourself in deep trouble. Because anything else, even something meant to be neutral or supportive, seems to cause fresh pangs of agony for the dieter. In other words, you absentmindedly murmur ‘Really? Good for you’ and they seem to hear you bellowing ‘GET A GASTRIC BAND FITTED, FATTY’. The choice is yours – lie like a demon or hurt their feelings. I’d take the lies any day.
So you get past the first hurdle – steadfastly maintaining that your pal makes Kate Moss look like a guilty Cinnabon enthusiast – and then you’re into weeks of updates: ‘Look how fat I still am! LOOK!’ (Tip – don’t look). You can also forget about sharing food, as every innocent offering of biscuits or cake prompts an explosion of self loathing: ‘I’m still so horribly enormous I couldn’t possibly even look at it.’ A simple ‘no thank you’ will do! Talk about squashing the mood.
I have to add – it’s definitely only girls that do this to each other. Men on a diet? They just eat less and work out more. They won’t tell you through guilty sobs that they chain-ate Twixes the entire weekend. They don’t demand Oscar-worthy performances about how they’re already so thin you’ve actually been fearing for their lives. And best of all – they know already that no one cares about a few extra pounds here and there. Job’s a good ‘un.
