My parents-in-law are due for their annual holiday and they always interfere when it comes to discipline. I don’t want to argue with them, but I don’t want the kids behaving like spoilt brats either. What should I do?
Get in early and have an honest conversation with your in-laws before they start interfering. Ask for their support without judgement and not their participation when disciplining your children. Explain what you see as their role as grandparents to your children, taking the time to listen to what your parents have to say. You may find that such an honest conversation is beneficial for all parties. And remember to manage behaviour consistently with your kids.
My five-year-old daughter’s birthday is in December so for around six weeks, she’s is being spoilt rotten (by in-laws and friends). By New Year, I’ve got Veruca Salt on my hands! How can I turn it around again?
It’s important that you celebrate your daughter’s birthday in the usual way that you do in your family so that she has her special day, which could become diluted at this time of the year. Ensure that she understands about being gracious for her gifts. For the rest of the time, do your best to encourage her ‘good’ behaviours – praise, spending time, talking and laughing with her – and have consistent, fair strategies for any misbehaviour. If you are doing this all of the time, you won’t have too many problems with ‘spoilt’ behaviour.
I’m quite traditional and think children should write thank you letters when people give them presents – but my kids just will not do it. How can I encourage them positively, without a war breaking out
It’s great that you like to teach your children the value of gratitude. Perhaps it’s time to embrace technology! Most children love having ‘computer time’, so perhaps they could send e-cards or personalized thank you emails that they can decorate with clip art this year? You may have fewer complaints if you make it fun to send thank you messages electronically!
I’m fed up with my children bickering over their toys after Christmas. I don’t want to buy the same things for all of them as they are of varying ages. How can I handle the situation?
Parents need to encourage positive sibling relationships at all times. This includes encouraging friendship, problem solving, cooperation, appropriate language and respect. Create some rules now about how the children play with and share their toys. Then, praise the kids when they are following the rules. When they are not, act immediately, with consistent, fair consequences and stick to your decisions! Start this process now and you’ll soon see the difference.
My son has a friend from a very wealthy family, and the child’s parents always spoil him when he stays with them. Their generosity makes me uncomfortable. What’s your advice?
Allow your child to enjoy the time he spends with his friend’s family and ensure he is appreciative of any gifts he receives. Most people don’t give gifts to make others feel bad, so instead of feeling uncomfortable, try to see the kindness offered by this family to your son. I’m sure they get a lot of pleasure out of giving to him!
I’d like my children to embrace their new year’s resolutions, but don’t want to be a pushy mum. How can I keep my expectations realistic?
Perhaps you can have family new year’s resolutions! You could choose a ‘value’ or whole family behaviour that everyone (including parents) can work on for the coming year – such as learning to be more tolerant of others, have time for each other, being a good friend to siblings, practicing politeness, recognizing each other’s good qualities, or healthy eating.
I have a friend who is keen to initiate more play dates this year. But my children always seem to end up fighting with her kids. How can I calm things down without becoming the monster?
Some time before you go to your friend’s house, have a discussion with your kids about how to behave when visiting others. Give your kids the chance to explain to you about the relationships they have with the other children and ask clarifying questions if you don’t understand their perspective. Do some problem solving together so that your children can attempt to resolve any issues as they arise. During the playdate, ensure that the children are appropriately supervised and offer praise and encouragement when you see them playing well. As before, use fair, consistent consequences for any misbehaviour.
I want to have a better relationship with my children, but it’s difficult when they act up all the time. I feel like I never stop telling them off
Try to remember that above anything else, you are your child’s biggest reward. Kids naturally want and need to spend time with their parents – and the root of ‘bad’ behaviour is often just their way of getting attention from you. Make sure you stay involved by considering the following points.
Time – Be available for your kids as often as you can. Even stopping for 30 seconds to acknowledge something they are trying to tell you can make all the difference.
Affection – Kids need to feel loved by their parents. This can include holding, touching, cuddling, tickling, hugging or holding hands.
Be interested – Get to know your kids and let them get to know you as you share interests and experiences.
Build their self-esteem – Tell them what they do well and encouraging them when they try new things. Always take the time to listen to your kids when they are talking to you.
Therese Sequeira runs Triple P parenting classes and seminars. Call 050 552 9819.
