This week I am all alone and I don’t like it one bit. My wife has gone off to visit her parents and all I have is a badly shaved cat (another story altogether) and my PlayStation to keep me company.
And please, I understand that it happens all the time, that time apart can be healthy and that big, strong men don’t pine for their wives; I don’t care! It’s hard, and all that solid gold advice hasn’t made it any easier thank you.
Some things do make it easier though, and so as a public service I’ve decided to compile my top survival tips for those of you who have yet to endure temporary separation. If I can help just one soul out there, just one husband in need, then this torment will have been worthwhile. I’m selfless like that.
Your first stop is the supermarket. No, I’m not asking you to self-medicate with food (don’t!) but you should take the opportunity to buy all those things your spouse wouldn’t let you buy – like that 700g steak that you ‘surely aren’t considering eating all by yourself!’ And while you’re there you fill up on some exotic fruits (‘You never end up eating them Karl!’), imported luxuries (‘Does it really have to be French soda water? And can’t you just blow bubbles in some local water?’) and absolute essentials (‘You have six dozen scented candles at home already, now please put those back’).
Next comes your flat. Start with the bed, and throw your pillows all over it. This is one of those rare opportunities where you get to twist, turn, kick, snore and spread with no resistance; use it! Follow that up with a touch of remodelling in the living room; that comfortable couch has never really been in the ideal position for your surround system, mostly because the ideal position was in the centre of the room and occupied with a table. Fix this all now. Also, while we’re in the living room, do remember to stay up all night watching television at an ‘inconsiderate’ volume and gaming. Also, don’t forget to empty the fridge and line it wall to wall with your favourite beverages.
Take the opportunity to explore all those brave frontiers that you’ve wanted to break through. Your wife might think that red shoes don’t go with navy-blue suits, but hey, she’s not here to tell you for a while. And sure, throwing a Mars bar into your stir-fry may not be mainstream, but who’ll find out? And yes, yes of course strapping a Halloween mask to the cat and taking funny pictures is juvenile, but I don’t hear him complaining.
But whatever you do, make sure that the house, bed, fridge and cat are all returned to wife-specifications before she returns; and most importantly – never, ever forget who wears the trousers in the relationship.
