Acupressure
‘Acupressure is the master of all massage,’ Leo informed me before ordering that I strip to my y–fronts. It was a shock on two counts: firstly, my father is the only man who has ever seen me naked; and, secondly, I had only come for a foot massage. But Leo, a Filipino with ten years experience, explained that the ancient Chinese practice required an all over body workout. Acupressure is, essentially, the same as acupuncture. But instead of filling your body full of sharp needles, a masseur uses his fingers to apply pressure to those same points across the body. The feet are the most important part of the treatment as all the nerve endings in the body congregate there and Leo kneaded his way around my body before concentrating on them. It’s a hard workout and there were times when I had to bite on my knuckle to stifle a girly scream. But the best part was the foot massage, where various spots on my foot were pushed and the corresponding parts of my body relaxed in response.
Acupressure treatment Dhs180 for one hour (non-members). Sheraton Abu Dhabi Health Club (02 697 0272).
Manicure
Let’s be honest, who really gives a flying fig about their nails? For most men they are simply a handy tool for scratching the unmentionables or something to stop you grinding your teeth when bored or nervous. All this fun has to stop after a manicure, which, for someone who has chewed their nails since they had teeth, is like telling a dog not to sniff other dog’s bottoms. My mess of frayed skin, red blotches and overgrown cuticles gave the manicurist little to work with but she went about her business of making the best of my ravaged digits. The treatment involved softening and nourishing the nails before cutting away the skin that had gown over each nail. In the warm, darkened room, it felt like a long hand massage. I was pulled out of my stupor when the manicurist started to grind down what little nail was left with an emery board. It was the most painful part of the process but straight afterwards your hands are placed in warm mittens to nourish your moisturised nails further. By the end my nails were clean, tidy and shiny. The only problem was that, with them looking so darn attractive again, it wasn’t long before I was back practicing my bad old habit of biting them.
Deluxe Manicure. Dhs105 for 60 minutes. Hilton Abu Dhabi (02 681 1900).
Facial
Like most men, I get my fair share of spots, usually the day before a big night out or an important meeting. According to the professionals, if you want to avoid looking like a greasy adolescent, a facial every six weeks or so can help regulate your skin and keep such abominations to a minimum. What they don’t tell you is that a facial hurts like hell. After climbing into what was frighteningly similar to a dentist’s chair, my skin was gently steamed as a selection of soothing jazz synthesiser medleys were played in the background. Then came the pain. Whilst a high power lamp is shone in your face, every impurity is squeezed out. The woman assigned to my ugly mug had to break a sweat to get a few black heads out, which brought tears to my eyes. When it was over my face felt like it had gone ten rounds with Mike Tyson but the next stage was a relaxing cranial massage and hot towel, which soothed my sore cheeks. By the end of the hour–long treatment I had drifted off, the memories of earlier pains ebbing away, and began to wonder when I would be back to have my next one.
Personalised Ingrid Millet Facial. Dhs320 for 60 minutes. Hilton Abu Dhabi (02 681 1900).
Marine Algae Body Wrap
A tip: don’t go out for a night on the town before having a marine algae wrap. It is a lesson I learnt the hard way. The treatment is not one for the those with delicate innards as it involves lying down and being smothered in a fishy, greenish-brown seaweed paste before having your body wrapped in plastic and then deposited in what appears to be a very large oven glove. Once inside the heated mitt it’s impossible to escape, so it’s not one for claustrophobics either. But if you can avoid breathing through your nose the experience is really rather pleasant. Ten minutes in the warm and wet sarcophagus and I had drifted off. By the time my session was up I didn’t want to leave. Washing off the sludge afterwards I had noticed the treatment had left my skin silky-smooth and my head was completely clear. Inadvertently, I had discovered the world’s best hangover cure.
Marine algae body wrap Dhs120 for 25 minutes. Eden Spa, Le Meridien Hotel (02 697 4230).
Head massage
Ten minutes in and I was beginning to wonder why I had bothered to do my hair in the morning. The masseur was giving me a vigorous head massage, with an oil that had turned my perfectly coiffed do into something resembling a collapsing birds nest. But, by the end, I couldn’t care less about my appearance. My full body Thai workout and head massage had rendered me incapable of doing anything other than smile from ear to ear. The body massage itself got quite rough but it really loosened my knots. At one point my masseur tried to click my body in various directions before giving up due to the fact that I am about as supple as a brick. Despite this setback we moved on to the head massage. They should be mandatory for anyone with a cold or blocked sinuses as one press of the masseur’s finger in the neck or next to the nose can relieve the pressure in your head almost instantly. When I left, my head was de-fogged and body re-invigorated. Just make sure you take a nice hat with you.
Thai massage Dhs200 for 50 minutes; head massage Dhs120 for 25 minutes. Eden Spa, Le Meridien Hotel (02 697 4230).
