For many, the idea of having a full-time nanny who lives in your house and is tasked with helping raise your children, is a privilege reserved for the characters of a Jane Austen novel. Not so in the UAE – a place where having live-in help is a matter of course for many families.
When Rose was born, working mum Kim Isley felt that hiring full-time help was the best option for her at the time: ‘I’d looked at other childcare options and just felt that a one-on-one carer was preferable to popping our baby girl in a nursery.’
However, Kim’s decision to hire a helper was not made lightly. Like any mum, she had huge reservations about letting someone – a stranger – into the family home to help raise her firstborn child. ‘The whole idea of having a maid didn’t seem quite right and it certainly didn’t sit well with my upbringing,’ says Kim. ‘Having someone in our house full time struck me as weird, and while I would want my daughter and her carer to be close, I was worried that I’d feel jealous of any relationship.’ Nonetheless, Kim began to interview potential candidates who had been recommended by word of mouth or found on the website www.expatwoman.com.
Aside from adapting to the new dynamics of day-to-day household life, the arrival of a carer can induce pangs of maternal guilt about not being around as much. Single mum Emily Madghachian says that she initially felt as if her maid Norie somehow embodied her own failings as a mum. ‘I think we’re a generation of people who feel we should be better than we are – who should do more than we can,’ reflects Emily. ‘But I’m so thankful to my friend who gave me this advice: It takes a village to raise a child.’
Just as Kim eventually did, Emily adapted to life with Norie and, as a result, is better for it: ‘I call her my angel because, without her, I don’t know where I’d be right now.’ However, not all parents come to terms with the presence of a nanny in the home, and allow their misplaced sense of guilt develop into a form of jealousy.
Conversely, it’s equally unhealthy for parents to defer all responsibility to a nanny: ‘Problems will and do arise when the parents abdicate their parenting responsibilities and then have the unrealistic expectations that the maid will in fact “parent” the children,’ says parental counsellor Helen Williams. So how do parents find a balance?
Emily advises that boundaries need to be established early on, so that there is no confusion – for parent, carer and child – as to what is expected from each. From here, a mutual respect can be nurtured, ensuring that each fulfils their respective roles without encroaching on that of the other. Once the balance is there, parents can focus their time and energy on being parents, rather than simply juggling between their work and family responsibilities.
‘As a family, we’re now far more organised,’ explains Kim happily. ‘This means Rose has a great routine, with plenty of sleep and healthy, homemade food. And I know if I’m running late, Rose is absolutely fine. Also, while I was jealous in the beginning, I now like the fact that she has another adult to turn to. They love each other, and I’m very happy with that, because I’m still the mum. When I walk through the door from work each evening, we’re delighted to see each other, and I have the time and energy to play and spend my time with Rose. Liezl also gives us the flexibility to be spontaneous as a family, as a couple and also as individuals.’
Ask the experts
Helen Williams
Qualified parental counsellor Helen Williams runs the Consistent Parenting programme, which is designed to support and encourage parents toward a happier, more emotionally stable and consistent parenting style.
Contact Helen on (055 893 6524) or email counsellingdubai@gmail.com.
