Panel of experts
Carmen Benton, Parent educator
Carmen has been a primary school teacher for many years and now works as an early years consultant and parent educator at LifeWorks Counselling and Development.
Paul Wagstaff, Education strategy expert
Paul is the Regional Director for CfBT (Centre for British Teaching) Educational Trust in the Middle East and North Africa.
Lucy Scott, Head of Secondary School, The British International School, Abu Dhabi
Lucy has worked in education for over 17 years as a teacher, school leader and educational consultant for the UK government. She holds a post-graduate degree in education and the National Professional Qualification for Headship (NPQH).
How can I deal with the separation anxiety that comes along with the first term at ‘big school’?
Paul: The realization that your child does not need you with them all the time is a hard moment for any parent. The best thing to do is to let them go. It is often ourselves as parents who are more anxious than our children when they enter school but our anxieties can fuel upset in our children who are not used to seeing us like this. I have always found the best way of dealing with it is by going for a walk outside the school, having a coffee or a short break away and then (with the teacher’s permission) agreeing to just pop back and look through the door just to assure yourself that they are fine. You will almost always find your child happily beavering away as part of the class without a care. It really helps you feel better, honestly!
Is it possible to overschedule my child after school?
Carmen: You could argue that a child who goes to a high quality international school for seven hours per day does not need any more scheduled activities in their day, especially when many children are then bringing homework home as well. Children need hours of self-selected, self- directed play times each day, especially given that many of them experience highly scheduled school days. If parents do feel the need for their children to do further activities, let the children choose some that they want to do, maybe ones they are already good at, so they can find added success and build their self esteem. One to two activities per week would be more than enough for younger children. Keep a variety of activities, one social such as scouts, one artistic such as drama or learning an instrument, and one physical activity or sport.
What should I do if my child has special requirements, such as allergies or medication?
Lucy: Good communication is the most important aspect of the parent-school relationship. Everybody will feel happier if everything your child’s needs are clear: you can relax as a parent knowing that the school is well informed, and the school can be confident that it is supporting your child correctly. Good schools will ensure there is an effective process for transferring information: this will be through the initial application form where you will be able to state any special requirements your child has, and then through follow up meetings when your child goes through the school orientation process.
Sometimes as a parent you can feel you are being over-protective, that the information you are giving is insignificant in a large school. However, good schools want to know your child as an individual and will appreciate any information you can provide.
Schools will also have a school nurse and she will see all the medical information about your child; if you have specific issues that you would like to discuss personally, a visit to the school nurse can also be very reassuring.
What steps should parents take if they don’t feel that there is enough communication between themselves and the class teacher?
Carmen: It can be hard for parents to step back and allow their child to experience school. Sometimes, parents may feel they require more information than they really need about school, so consider this first. It is best that parents ask teachers to have a meeting if they need to learn more about their child at school, but be mindful of just how busy teachers are.
Most schools have parents’ groups that can be good to get involved with. Some parent groups also assign an individual who can be the class representative, helping to keep lines of communication open. Several schools report that parents often do not read newsletters or school websites, so make sure you are keeping up to date with the ways school communicates with you, too.
What if a parent isn’t happy with a particular teacher? Is there anything they can do?
Lucy: Good schools work hard to recruit the right teachers and so hopefully you will never be in a position where this will be a problem. If you do have concerns it is important that you do not let this get out of control by not discussing it with the school. Often talking about issues can help resolve the situation.
Contacting the school to arrange an appointment to see the teacher might be a first option as it will allow you to discuss your concerns and get reassurance about any problems. However, if you feel the issue has gone beyond this stage, then it is important to contact a person with authority at the school: this could be a Head of Year, Director of Studies or the Head of School. Good schools will make sure that parents are clear where to direct queries, by ensuring that staff roles and responsibilities are clear. The best advice is to act upon your concerns, as they can be resolved and once they are you can feel confident that your child will thrive.
What are the signs to look out for that my child might not be settling in?
Paul: Some signs to watch out for include changes in behaviour, a lack of willingness to talk about what they have done at school, and routine claims of feeling sick to avoid going to school. Sometimes, patterns can develop, particularly if there is something on a specific day that is upsetting them. The key is to talk to your son or daughter and try and find out what they like and don’t like about school.
It is always important that you talk with your child’s teacher and discuss your concerns with examples of how it is affecting your child. It could be something that the teacher can quickly identify and tackle before it begins to affect learning. Teachers welcome this information as they genuinely do want to ensure that the children they are teaching are happy, settled and making progress.
What should I do if I think my child is being bullied?
Carmen: Bullying is unwanted, aggressive behaviour among school- aged children that involves a real or perceived power imbalance. The behaviour is repeated, or has the potential to be repeated, over time. It is important that parents understand the difference between bullying and ‘school upsets and misunderstandings’. Parents need to ensure they have an open and communicative relationship with their child to encourage them to talk about any bullying they may experience. Research shows that often children do not tell parents or teachers when they are being bullied. Parents are advised to speak to their child’s class teacher first, and a school counsellor can also be a good support person to both a child and their parents. It is important that a school has a zero tolerance bullying policy.
How can I support my child who is moving between key stages?
Lucy: Transition between key stages is often more worrying for parents than children. Students take moves in their stride, whereas parents feel each move as yet another challenge: getting to know what new academic demands they now have to support! The important thing is to work with the school, who will gladly give you all the information you need.
Good schools will ensure that there are transition meetings, which will give you information on curriculum and assessment; it is really important you attend these if you can. In our digital age, there will often be guidance on the school website and the internet generally is full of supportive information. Meeting new class teachers is probably the best way of getting all the information you need about any move: they can provide you with curriculum outlines.
Once you have this information, you can then have an informed discussion with your child about the adventure they are embarking upon: starting something new academically. These discussions really need to be fun, you want to keep your relationship as a parent and not end up being a substitute teacher.
Perhaps ask them what they are most looking forward to, or what their biggest worry is, and armed with all your information you can perhaps allay any fears by exploring with them what they will be doing and fuelling their excitement about the move.
How can I balance the demands of my child’s school life with my full time job?
Paul: Planning is the key here. Know in advance when school meetings or events are going to be. Ask the school rather than waiting to be told. Try to set aside a short time at least to talk to your child about their day, things that are worrying them, work they have to do. This need not be long but it needs to be routine.
Your child needs to know that you are there and are interested in what they are doing.
I have often been in airports hearing a lone parent on the phone asking how the day at school has gone. It need not always have to be face-to-face. If your child is struggling and needs some help, plan when you can give uninterrupted time to listen and support. Just knowing that you care is often enough. To parents, school may be a daily routine, but to a child, every school day is a new experience. •
