If you feel like you’ve lost touch with your partner following the arrival of your new family member, you aren’t alone.
When a new baby puts in an appearance, the dynamics between couples can change dramatically. It goes from being just the two of you to three, with the third demanding constant attention and all of your time.
And no matter how prepared you might think you are, these teeny tiny newborns with their absolute dependency on mums in particular, the reality of parenthood is a shock to the system that requires incredible adaption skills.
Dr Sarah Rasmi, a licensed psychologist and the founder and managing director of Thrive Wellbeing Centre and her colleague, Dr Vassiliki Simoglou, licensed psychologist and an expert in fertility explain what parents can expect and how they can manage these new challenges explaining that: “Immediately after birth, the newborn and his or her primary caregiver – often the mother – form an exclusive, fusional relationship where the baby can experience a safe transition from life in the womb. That absolute reliance on another to cover his or her needs, gradually subsides as the baby matures and develops an understanding that the caregiver’s increasing absences are temporary in nature. For those absences to be introduced and accepted, the caregiver needs to point symbolically towards their partner – a partner who shares the responsibility to look after the baby.”
The doctors explain that parenting is deeply rooted in a relationship where the parents were partners first. And it is through that fundamental desire to be together that a couple can reconnect with one another after having had a child. Psychoanalysis has made of this fundamental desire a law, namely the “law of desire”, as the law that authorises a person to separate from their family of origin and create a family of their own.
So, what can a couple do to keep the connection srong once they have had a baby? The doctors draw on the Gottman sound relationship house theory and, in particular, the first three levels of the relationship. They say we need to have a strong friendship made up of love maps, fondness, admiration, and turning towards rather than away.
Love maps
In love maps, we look at how we need to have knowledge of our partner; when we first enter into a relationship, we are rapidly acquiring knowledge. We are approaching our partner with a lot of curiosity, intrigue, interest, but over time we become a bit disconnected, especially when we have the additional demands and pressures of parenthood. One of the first things that we would need to do, would be to get to know our partner again. Get to know different layers of them and how they have developed and evolved over time, since a lot of people end up being guided by their assumptions of who their partner is and don’t necessarily have the most relevant and up-to-date information. This is especially important since recent research shows that new parents spent the vast majority of their time talking to one another about family and life administrative tasks, as opposed to exploring one another and their relationship.
Fondness and admiration
Fondness and admiration comes down to appreciating and being appreciated by one another. Acknowledge the things that we like about the other person – the traits or characteristics that we admire – as a partner and not as a parent, since we often get stuck in reinforcing each other as parents and/or providers and moving away from the initial role of partnership.
We also want to make sure to acknowledge something that our partner did each day that we appreciated, sharing the emotional impact. This serves multiple purposes : it reinforces the behavior, meaning that your partner is more likely to do it again ; your partner feels good for making your day better; and you feel good about having shared something positive with him or her.
Turning towards rather than away
Turning towards rather than away implies trying to make sure that we are emotionally connected and that when one partner turns towards or approaches the other one, that they engage meaningfully with each other. That doesn’t mean dropping everything all the time because your partner wants to engage, but at least acknowledging that your partner is trying to connect with you emotionally, even if it means that you end up postponing your engagement with them until later on, rather than just leaving them feeling ignored.
Top tips
Four things to do in your relationship to keep it fresh
•Nourish the friendship element in the relationship.
•Make time for each other every single day.
•Reconnect with rituals from before having children.
•Share memories of happy times.
