Make Henry cry
We suggest singing renditions of either ‘He’s got the Whole World (Cup) in his Hands’ or Beatles classic ‘I Wanna Hold Your Hand
(Thierry)’ – preferably in an Irish accent. Giant foam hands would add to the effect – if you can get them past security.
Location location
Explain to Barcelona that all the teams train in the Empty Quarter, then put them in accommodation on Salam Street. The loud traffic and endless commute alone should be enough to decimate their intricate passing game.
Whistle for Jose
The Catalan crowd reserve their finest jeers and cosmic freak outs for the man who used to be the interpreter for the club. Jose would ‘psyche out’ his own grandmother if there was something in it for him. His best Barca-baiting moment is still sliding down the touchline in front of the Barcelona fans after Chelsea beat the Catalans in the Champions League 2006. YouTube it – even his aforementioned grandmother would slap him.
The toast formation
When 11-year-old Barcelona trainee Xavi picked up his first pay cheque at the club, he immediately made his way to a department store in his native Terrassa and splashed it all on a gift for his mother. Was it jewellery? Flowers? A new dress? No, it was a toaster. The tricky midfielder clearly loves his toast. We say sabotage his toaster. He’ll be so busy worrying about where his next pan toastado is coming from, he won’t be able to concentrate.
Messi hair
If you want to stop an Argentinian, get to the root of his power: the hair. At least according to the Facebook group ‘La Permanente A Messi’, who are campaigning for the little striker to change his hairstyle to that of Maradona before the 1986 World Cup, to help emulate Diego’s success. They argue for the balancing qualities of the perm. If that’s true, shave Messi bald and the man won’t be able to stay on his feet. Just ask Véron.
Wind up Ibrahimovic
The GBP40million Swede was once described by Paolo Maldini (notoriously the nicest man in football) as ‘a s**t’, and by his headmaster as ‘a prototype of the kind of child who ends up in serious trouble’. We suggest insulting his little pug dog Trustor, and then running – he has a black belt in Taekwondo, after all.
Wear taller boots
Barcelona are a pretty small bunch (6ft 5in of Swedish striker aside). Messi famously had a growth deficiency – his parents paid US$650 a month to afford growth hormone injections for him as a child. Xavi, Iniesta and Krkic aren’t exactly huge either. Stomping the opposition into the ground seems like a good bet.
V for Victor-y?
Calamity goalkeeper Victor Valdes recently remarked on Goal.com that the upcoming Fifa Club World Cup is something that his team ‘deserves to win’. Arrogance like that deserves to be punished. We suggest showing clips of his greatest blunders on the big screen before the game, especially of Lyon midfielder Juninho chipping him from a free kick in the Champions League this year.
Mess with Puyol
For a big, tough industrial central defender, Carlos Puyol is an unusual guy. As well as having a fascination with Tibet, the superstitious Spaniard also claims that when he steps on the pitch, he always does it with his right foot, simultaneously managing not to touch the lines. Just give him a nudge, eh, and let the omens do their work.
