Grief comes in many forms, and at the moment, as we navigate our way through a pandemic, we are all facing different types of loss from being unable to see loved ones in other countries to not being able to hug our friends.
There are also those who have lost loved ones, and, while it’s heart-breaking, loss is life and is all part of growing up.
We all cope with grief differently and that goes for kids too. Not only do children grieve differently from adults, but children of different ages also express how they are feeling in surprisingly divergent ways.
Young children may not even understand what death means, or that people who have died won’t be coming back. They may worry they have done something to cause the death.
On the other hand, they might not seem too concerned about it, or even go from crying one moment to wanting to play the next. It is also normal for a child to feel angry at the person who has died (or someone else entirely).
As children get older they may begin to understand more, but will still need help from their parents and other caregivers on how to process and cope with loss.
We talk to Maša Karleuša Valkanou, CDA-licensed psychologist at Thrive Wellbeing Centre, who specialises in life transitions, grief, loss and abuse, to get her top tips on helping kids to deal with their grief.
Does grief come in different forms?
Grief can be expressed as sadness, which is the most adequate way to express it, but it can also be expressed as anger, depression, irritability, loss of motivation, will or energy. Children express grief differently, they lose their focus, become more frustrated, irritable and angry. Adolescents may turn to destructive and impulsive behaviour, banned substances, promiscuity, reckless driving and self-harm.
What sorts of things will kids be grieving now as we continue to navigate the pandemic?
Each individual situation is different; most people had to adjust their lifestyle, give up their usual pleasures and back off on social and family interactions, which is sad. But people can adapt to the change and hope for the better days to come. On the other hand, there are people who lost loved ones and that is the real tragedy. The process of grief is also more complicated, as usual rituals that help the grief are not available, things like being all together or having a memorial service.
And a lot of children in the UAE won’t have seen their extended families for a long time, how can parents help their kids to deal with this?
Online communication is not a real substitute, but it is better than nothing. Keeping the conversation regular is helping children having continuity through these hard times.
What about kids who have lost loved ones in another country, how can parents explain that loss to them?
This is a very important question. Parents are sometimes uncomfortable with telling children sad news, but is vital that parents are honest with their children and keep them informed about reality, even if it is a tragic one. Parents should keep it simple and factual and then sit with a child and patiently answer all the questions that child may have, and prompt some more. Parents should not hide their own emotions – if your eyes tear up, that’s good and shows your child they can be sad too. Children should not witness an adult falling apart (sobbing uncontrollably, throwing things, being in an altered state of mind), but they should see the parent being sad and authentic about their emotions.
A lot of little kids won’t really understand what death actually means.
The parent should explain death in a simple way, according to their own belief system. It is not important that a child understands it completely, they will with time. It is important not to make up some stories and obvious lies and it is very important to emphasize that there is no fault or blame in death, children tend to blame themselves for everything, they may feel it is somehow their fault. It is ok to offer some explanation that you believe it is helpful, like that the person who passed is in a better place or similar.
What sort of anxieties will parents see in their kids following tragic news?
It is ok if the child is sad, crying, asking questions. If the child is silent for more weeks, express anger, irritability, fears and self-destructive behaviors, parent should talk to the child. If these behaviors last for more than four months the child should receive counselling or therapy to help him grieve.
Do children go through stages of grief?
The first stage is denial, followed by anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance at the end. The child might get stuck in a particular stage, when it is important to seek professional help.
How to support your kids with their grief
Keep these tips in mind
Talk to your children in simple terms, according to their age, but honestly and factually. Do not insist they understand, they will eventually. Do not lie to your children. It is ok to offer some comforting explanation according to own belief system.
Ask questions. You don’t have to explain much, rather, ask them what they think. You don’t have to know the answers, you can say – that is a really good question, I’ll think about it, I don’t know.
Do not avoid emotions, questions, difficult topics. The more you talk about them, the less threatening they are.
Show your sadness and tears, but don’t flood them. Show that being sad is all right,
it is safe.
Make sure your child doesn’t feel guilty for what happened. They can imagine their guilt in all sorts of ways
Just be there, offering your presence, comfort and attending their needs
Include children in all grieving rituals (visiting the grave, memorial service etc)
