I’ve never been big on internet memes. Pictures of cats misspelling stuff don’t make me lol and I wouldn’t plank if you paid me, let alone post a picture of myself doing it. But instead of hitting my deadlines this week, I’ve been glued to a YouTube trend, which for the purposes of this family magazine, I’m going to call ‘Stuff people say’ You know what I mean. Girls, black girls, Asian girls, vegans, douchebag roommates, expats, all of it cracks me up. So in homage, this column is devoted to stuff Abu Dhabi expats say; and here goes.
‘You wouldn’t BELIEVE the taxi ride I just had.’
Did the car smell like a stable or a mortuary? Did the driver go the wrong way, curse at other drivers or stop 100m down the road from where you asked to get out? We just can’t get enough of regaling each other with taxi horror stories, each of which ends: ‘I honestly thought I was going to die’. Abu Dhabi is a dangerous place alright.
‘Dhs 50 for a drink? Ohhh, that’s not too bad.’
Yes it is. Fifty dirhams. That’s an eye-watering £8.70, a jaw-dropping $13.60 or a disgraceful rip off at Euros10.30. That is a lot of money for a drink even if it was being served on Mars, but nonetheless, we all get used to paying it practically overnight here. Call it adapting, or settling in nicely if you will, but don’t blame us if after a year you can’t figure out what happened to that house deposit you’d been saving up for.
‘Just wait til the summer!’
It gets hot here. Then it’s not so hot. Then it’s hot all over again. Not riveting conversation in itself, but what is fun, is describing the summer weather to Abu Dhabi newbies, in increasingly more melodramatic ways. ‘It’s like you’re trapped inside an oven and can’t get out, you won’t be able to see properly, your skin will shrivel up unless you drink at least twenty five litres of water a day, your children will spontaneously combust if you let them outside.’ No need to mention everyone just cranks up the aircon and gets on with it.
‘I found this amazing Lebanese place…’
It’s always Lebanese Flower. Everyone thinks they discovered it first and it’s the best Lebanese food in the city. But they didn’t and it isn’t. Far from it. In fact, we’ll save you the effort and tell you now, you can get better falafel at Tarbouche, better batata harra at Al Qasr and better bread and hummus at Awtar. Helen Elfer is our exiting deputy editor, and her vast knowledge of all things Abu Dhabi will be missed by us all.
