Here’s the scene: you’ve plonked yourself down on the sofa at the end of a wearying year. You have the remote in your eager hand, an array of Christmas viewing only the touch of a button away. But next to you is grandma, a hardened Bing Crosby devotee who boasts about owning an original copy of “White Christmas” on vinyl, even though she’s only 67 and has never owned a record player.
Across the room is your little brother, a demanding tyke who wants to see Harry Potter and nothing else. And there’s mum, who is quite keen on something with “that nice Bill Nighy” in it. Dad says Die Hard or he’s going upstairs.
If this “Choose Your Own Adventure”-style home entertainment scenario sounds familiar, allow us to unwrap what is really driving your choice of festive comfort viewing and share some potential options.
Love Actually
You don’t care what the cynics say, this unashamedly cheesy, multi-stranded film is your festive fave. There are 78 cheery Richard Curtis subplots to pick from, and most of them will spark some holiday joy. And, no, you don’t want to hear about The Holiday.
Die Hard
Whenever someone raises the is-Die-Hard-a-Christmas-movie debate you emit the sigh of someone who felt that the issue had been decided back in the mid-2010s… before slumping back down and patiently spelling it all out again – right down to the office party, the snow and the Santa hat. “And did you know that ‘Ode to Joy’ is a Christmas carol in Japan?” you’ll continue, failing to register the blank expressions and glances at watches around the table. Your love of Die Hard is well-founded, but it’s turning you into a bore.
It’s a Wonderful Life
You are a staunch traditionalist, and each of your holiday rituals happen like clockwork, no matter what. Dinner is on the table at 5pm. One present can be opened on Christmas Eve, at 6.30pm. The annual screening of It’s a Wonderful Life commences at 8pm, with the first scheduled teardrop at 8.40pm. All is forgiven by your third helping of eggnog at 10pm, because everyone knows you’re about to fall asleep on the couch at 10.11pm, just like last year and the year before.
Elf
Nobody ever gets your Ron Burgundy references, but Christmas represents that special time of year when you can scream-quote a Will Ferrell movie, and you’re going all in on it. You excitedly yell each time a new guest arrives at dinner. You refer to annoyed adults as “angry elves”. The person sitting next to you will later complain of sore ribs after an entire night of being elbowed.
The entire Harry Potter series
You will have the same conversation about how excited you are about the 20th anniversary reunion special – “I hope it’s better than Friends,” you say – at least five times before you queue up the Harry Potter film. For the next 20 hours, you will alternate between spouting off unwelcome Hogwarts trivia and loudly shushing anyone else who dares speak. You are terrified to go to the restroom for fear that your Tolkien-nerd cousin will seize control of the TV and put on the extended-cut DVD of The Fellowship of the Ring.
The Polar Express
You’re looking for something heart-warming and delightful to pass a winter’s evening. You pick an animation. Tom Hanks is in it. You gather the family around the TV and hit play. So far, so good. But quickly something seems wrong – off even. The train conductor in the movie has human features but his eyes… Welcome to The Polar Express. If you’re still glued to the screen, you’re a train buff.
Home Alone
Watching this film as an adult child of the ‘90s prompts you to become full-on nostalgic or ironical. Either way, you recently cried in public when John Williams’ score came on over the PA while you were doing your Christmas shopping.
Home Alone 2: Lost in New York
In 2016, you declared via a lengthy Facebook post that Lost in New York is better than the first Home Alone. You went on to claim that the sequel is “one of the best movies ever made, period”.
A Charlie Brown Christmas
Into this melancholy seasonal staple? Chances are you have impeccable taste in jazz, but also an unfortunate habit of bringing up bad news as everybody sits down to dinner. After you skip dessert (what’s the point in dessert?), you drive home then seek solace Charles Schulz’s Peanuts perennial.
White Christmas
“They don’t make them like this anymore”, you whisper into your hot cocoa as Bing Crosby and Danny Kaye go tap-dancing across the screen while your kids look at their phones. The most recent Christmas movie you have seen is 1983’s A Christmas Story.
