Wide Awake
2/5
First up, we’d like to make it clear that we have no problem with music of a blatantly commercial pop persuasion. We enjoyed every sugary, whipsmart episode of Glee and have been known to grin with imbecilic delight at singles by the likes of Girls Aloud, George Michael, Christina Aguilera, Sugababes and even Will Young. But this?
Joe McElderry’s debut is a marshmallow-and-corn-syrup bridge too far, built on the notoriously shifting sands of X Factor triumph, and if it hits the spot with anyone who doesn’t spend their Saturdays hanging out in Claire’s Accessories, we’ll eat our own socks. The 19-year-old South Shields lad – who was forced out of the closet in July, thanks to a Twitter hacker – has a decent enough, MOR/theatreland voice (at least, he may do; the slathering of Auto-Tune makes it hard to tell) and a falsetto so excessive that for a few moments we thought the album had been streamed at the wrong speed.
His songs are aimed at the Robbie demographic, with notes of George Michael and Dame Elton signalling ‘maturity’. They fall roughly into three categories: epic and blustery with a thumpingly banal drum track; treacly and balladic with a thumpingly banal drum track; and ‘housed-up’, with a thumpingly banal drum track. The cover of Miley Cyrus’s ‘The Climb’ tells you all you really need to know about this album’s depth and demographic. With his sexuality now public knowledge, McElderry is going for both the pre-pubescent penny and the pink pound, and his ‘people’ will be milking those markets until the Cowells come home. They – and poor McElderry – may not have as long as they imagine.
