Some people have a natural air of confidence and esteem. Is this something you either have or you don’t? Or is it something you can teach yourself?
In search of the answer, TOAD spoke to life coach, Lisa Laws, about how to boost your demeanor, your confidence and your presence, whether it be in the workplace, social situations, or anywhere you feel you need a boost.
Lisa first recommends brain-training, and that’s because practice makes perfect. She says, ‘The trick is practice – don’t give up if it doesn’t work perfectly straight away – we are all prone to quitting without really having given it a try, when we should be training our minds like we train our bodies. David Beckham had to practice extremely hard to be a great footballer.’
Becoming more confident seems challenging, as people seem to have it…or they don’t. Lisa says this isn’t the case. ‘The brain is trainable just like the body. Just because we might be unfit and untrained now doesn’t mean we can’t start a health regime and get fit! The process takes an internal shift (self esteem boosting, strengthening and reframing those messages in our heads) and outward change. While we are working on the internal we set actions and objectives that will help confidence. We don’t wait until we feel confident to practice confidence. We take baby steps and practice confident behaviours (i.e. fake it to make it) and our successes help our inner shift, which in turn gives us more confidence.’
To cope with feelings associated with a lack of confidence, Lisa suggests taking a relaxed approach. She says, ‘Think of everything as being a training group – it doesn’t matter if you mess it up. The more you can relax when you experience the feeling that you need to appear to be confident, the more you will be.
‘See yourself coping with the stressful situation calmly and confidently, and visualise this a number of times leading up to stressful situation (at least three times per day). Your subconscious mind doesn’t know the difference between past, present and future, and will get the message that this is the natural state you adopt.’
The fight or flight response
Often in confrontation, people can lose all confidence and appear nervous, shaky and faltering.
When a human feels threatened in any way, this can invoke the fight or flight response. Dr Steven Marsland from the Canadian Medical Center says it’s an instinctive response: ‘The fight or flight response is a physiological reaction that has an anthropological origin dating back millennia.’
This physiological reaction sets your body into a defense mode where in order to survive, humans need to either attack or run away. Even an awkward meeting at work or an uncomfortable situation with a friend can evoke a physical response. Steve says ‘This response kick-starts an adrenaline release, so your pupils dilate, blood pressure elevates to get blood to our muscles and we feel butterflies in our stomachs. This comes to increase our vision and gets us ready for activity. The blood flowing to our muscles prepares the body to strike.’
‘What it comes down to is that this is a deeply rooted survival mechanism that dates back to when humans had to fight for survival. Now it’s difficult because we are living in a civilised situation where we don’t need this response.’
If this issue is ongoing, Dr Steve recommends considering hypnotherapy or counseling in the long-term as studies have linked ongoing stress releases to obesity, type two diabetes, and high blood pressure. ‘If you are finding this problem is on a regular basis, I would recommend seeking further assistance. Using techniques to bring your breathing under control is a good way to calm yourself. Also, studies have proven that exercise can reduce stress levels through the release of endorphins.’
If you find you struggle with this response, Lisa has a technique to assist. ‘To slow your heart-rate and regulate your blood flow, place your hand on your heart, breathe in for four seconds, hold the breath in for six seconds and very slowly breathe out for eight seconds.’ She explains, ‘Returning our attention to breathing releases us from the flight or fight response (sympathetic nervous system) to the resting, relaxed response (parasympathetic nervous system). In this state our brain function improves and we can use all of our brain to rationalise situations more easily. When we are in fight or flight mode much of our brain really does shut down. That’s why when we stress a child out and get exasperated when they don’t get a simple maths questions, they get worse and their brain shuts down, because they literally can’t think.’
Lisa Laws Coaching is available via www.lisalawscoaching.com, lisa@lisalawscoaching.com, (055 771 2857). Dr Steven Marsland can be contacted at the Canadian Medical Center, wwwcanadianmc.com (02 446 9006).
Lisa’s top tips to inspire confidence
Fake it to make it
Practice, so that you can see yourself standing taller, with your shoulders and back straight. Practice projecting your voice and breathing properly. Don’t gabble, speak at a normal pace, and maintain eye contact, and above all smile. Looking down with shoulders hunched says ‘I am not worthy of taking up my space.’ Also, take the focus off yourself and onto the person or people you are with. The more wrapped up in ourselves we become, the more we flounder.
Breathe
Notice your intake of breath – follow it all the way to the end of the out breath and repeat. Affirm yourself inwardly with some practiced short affirmations: I am capable, I am brilliant, I am here to serve, or just be confident, strong and smile. Adding a few words into your breathing such as ‘calm, confident, calm’, helps too.
Smile
Smiling releases all sorts of feel good emotions, when others see you smile they will feel more open towards you.
